


POV you're Sam and Max's neighbor and you're this close to losing your mind

by Samandmaxarecool



Category: Sam and max
Genre: Actually this is pretty wholesome, It's a POV, M/M, Other, this was a fucking discord joke and then I made it a real thing because fuck you I guess, you've made bad life choices and you're Sam and Max's neighbor you poor sap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samandmaxarecool/pseuds/Samandmaxarecool
Summary: POV you're Sam and Max's neighbor. You do actually have the gall to go check it out when something weird is happening over there one night. Pretty brave of you but also really stupid. I swear this joke went too far. But enjoy it anyway.
Relationships: Sam and Max - Relationship, You befriend the idiots
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	POV you're Sam and Max's neighbor and you're this close to losing your mind

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited. That's your only warning. Welcome to the worst neighborhood. For optimal reading experience please read in bed when you're extremely tired to heighten the immersiveness. (Is that a real word?). You fool cheap doesn't equal good.

It’s the dead of the night and you’re trying to sleep. Your partner is snoring beside you hogging all the covers. They let out a snore and you feel envious at how peaceful they seem. You should be relishing the silence. Being able to hear the night's song of crickets and gentle breezes rustling trees is rare. Exceedingly rare. 

Because you live next to Sam and Max Freelance Police. 

That long winded dog and his violent little rabbit were the worst neighbors in history, you know this because you checked with every HOA in the city after you realised your mistake. The first couple of nights you moved here it was fine. The rest of the neighbors seemed normal enough but they kept looking at you funny when they came for the housewarming party. Lots of side eyes and whispering went on that night. You realise now that it was pity in their eyes and they were making bets on how long before you and your partner were gonna book it across town. To be fair you should have seen it coming really. Your realtor had been really dodging about the whole thing, but it was so cheap you gave in. Thinking at the time maybe there was water damage just out of sight somewhere...

And then they showed up. A basket of assorted junk, some of which seemed highly dangerous, was shoved into your hands while the dog had introduced himself and his partner. And then he proceeded to ask your partner a series of inane questions before leaving somewhat abruptly. He mentioned something about a therapist and a stone head. Which left you feeling as if you were holding a bomb and for all you knew you probably were. 

After that whenever they could bothered to stop “policing” they were home getting up to who knows what. You’ve heard gunshots, screeching, hollering, something that sounded like an axe chopping a tree even though there is no tree in the backyard, sci-fi noises, a child screaming, and generally lots of banging. 

You once made the horrible decision to try and call the police on them only for them to answer the phone. Somehow you ended up making brownies and bringing them over while you were subjected to tall tales about intergalactic travel. You now know far too much about the inworkings of a galactic gang of rats who run a casino. 

Tonight however, you knew Sam and Max were home. Sam’s beat up Desto was parked in the driveway dangerously close to slamming into the garage door. You’ve asked him why he doesn’t just back it up a bit and he always has some made up sounding reason that is usually just a quip. And yet the house was silent. 

It terrifies you. 

You decided that you can’t sleep and you have to investigate. Slipping out of bed without waking your partner head out into the night. The wind laps at your face, it’s cold out tonight. And your pajamas are thin enough that the wind cuts through them. You just hug yourself and head over Sam and Max house, trying to ignore the creep giant effigy of Max’s head Sam insists on maintaining. It’s looming over you, that permenit smile made of leaves and branches is almost as haunting as the real thing. You try and avoid looking at it. 

Instead you head up their driveway and step up their porch. It’s painted an eye irritating yellow. The door isn’t much better, it’s a gross shade of purple. Plum purple. That’s not HOA regulation. You reach out to knock but the wind knocks it open and pushes you inside. You’ve only been in here a couple times. Five or six times too many. And somehow it always looks different. The couch, Tv and photos will switch around or be completely different. You’re sure the walls are different colors and sometimes there’s carpet and sometimes there’s not. You swear there used to be a hallway bathroom but Sam brushed you off and just pointed you upstairs. Which hadn’t been there before and never showed up again. You don’t want to think about the bathroom mostly because of how scarily normal it looked. It made the rest of the house seem even weirder by comparison. 

You feel around on the wall and lucky for you hit a light switch. You should have kept it off. The house is wrecked. The couch looks like it was sawed in half, the TV had a gaping hole in it that was sparking, and all the picture frames are cracked. You carefully step through the glass on the carpet that’s a light shade of blue. And look up to see a back sliding door wide open. You try not to question its existence. You think you hear voices coming from outside so you quickly make your way over careful not to step too close. After all who was crazy enough to be in these guys' houses so late. They were probably super dangerous but you’re far too curious to care. 

“...you won’t believe what that guy told me Sam! He said “you can’t bring that in here” like HELLO!” 

Okay well that’s definitely Max. 

His voice is impossible to mistake for anyone else's. Sam had once made the claim that it’s one of Max’s best traits. You had decided not to throw your hat into that ring. For your health and safety. 

“Yes, Max. I was there. I agreed at the time,” He stressed the words like he had said them many times. “-because I thought there was no way you could get that monkey into the barrel. There were already ten in there! But, you sure did show me a little buddy. I can’t believe we let all of those Money’s loose in Bosco's house just to get rid of those fleas.” 

And that was Sam. 

Okay so that was that. You try and carefully creep out but you step on the glass and it crunches underneath your feet. You let out a shrill cry as glass punctures your foot a bit. You scared more out of surprise than pain. You hastily cover your mouth but it’s too late. You hear the sound of guns loading and then you’re staring down the barrel of what Sam affectionately calls Betsy but you know as the business end of a revolver. 

“OOO a sleeper walker has wandered in Sam! Let’s throw them back out like a hooked fish!” Max cheers in delight while Sam puts his gun away. You’re thankful for him making Max lower his as well. 

“Max! This is our neighbor…oh darn it all I always forget your name!” Sam snaps his fingers seemingly trying to recall it but then just shakes his head. 

You open your mouth to give it but Max’s mouth works before yours does. 

“Don’t be silly Sam. Their name don't matter!” Max lets out a laugh. “What matters is they’re trespassing.” All the hyperness is gone out of his voice as he growls the last word. You swallow but Sam begins shaking with laughter. 

“You crack me up little buddy.” He wipes a tear from his eye. He collects himself and then seemed to become a bit abashed. He’s not looking at you. He’s looking behind you “Oops sorry about the mess. We’re just redecorating is all. Come on back. We’re just stargazing and having a bit of a chat.” Sam puts his big paw your shoulder and then steers you outside. You’re unable to fight against his jolly nature and physical strength. You’re trapped in an awkward social situation. 

Max is clearly annoyed by your presence. You’re interrupting something and you don’t need him glaring at you and baring those sharp teeth to tell. No one has dared to ask what exactly is going on between the dog and rabbit. And if they did know they’re keeping their mouth shut about it. 

“What brings you to our humble abode at the wee hours of the night? Come to borrow a cup of sugar?” Sam presses a can of soda into your hands. Obviously, you’re not allowed to refuse so you just hold it awkwardly. 

“They’re breaking and entering. Let’s just arrest them and then go to bed.” Max huffs. His hands are all twitchy. It makes you feel like he might jump on you at any moment. 

“Don’t listen to him. He’s just all torn up about breaking the TV.” Sam puts his hand between the rabbits ears, who simply huffs. “They canceled his favorite show.” Sam hung his head as if he too was heartbroken about it. Max reaches over and snatched your soda from you while Sam is distracted. He throws it the drink back and then crushes the can against his head. He tosses it into what you assume is a recycle because of the excess amount of milk jugs, paper, and soda cans. Who was drinking all the milk???

Somehow you find yourself listening to Sam tell you about how they destroyed their living room. Max warms up when Sam starts talking about taking a sledgehammer to the kitchen cabinets. He excitedly gives you all the graphic details about smashing them to splinters. He’s surprisingly elegonent with his words. He even drops a few words you don’t know. And then Sam pokes fun at him for it. You all laugh and have a good time before Sam looks at his watch and tell you they have to leave but you’re welcome to stick around and poke your nose (“where it doesn’t belong” Max adds) if you feel so inclined. You say don’t take him up on the offer but he reassures you that he doesn’t mind. As long as you don’t take anything from the fridge. He says he doesn’t want you to eat anything that’s been; in his own words “festering in there like a blister on an athletes foot that has been in a tight shoe for two games straight”. 

The next thing you know you’re shuffling back home at sunrise and crawl into bed. Your partner asks where you’ve been all night and you tell them. They laugh at your misfortune and then let you sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Who's drinking all that milk!


End file.
